Last night I couldn’t sleep and started analyzing my life, decisions, different situations I’ve been to, missed opportunities – exactly what you “should be doing” in 4 am.
I call it full soul dissection.
Imagine me lying in bed thinking, regretting, thinking, regretting, finding excuses…
Then a sudden thought popped in my head “Am I destroying myself?”
Yeah, scary thought – I know!
But thinking about it…I always live in some kind of pressure.
I am constantly overthinking, agonizing myself with questions I can’t give answers to.
Why? I don’t know!
Since I can remember I always think about why certain things are happening to me, why he/she told me something, what he/she actually mean by telling me that, how am I supposed to react, what could I have done in certain situations and so on.
This applies for all of my relationships – friendships, love life, family, co-workers. Especially having in mind that my love life is a complete disaster. I have always been awkward when it comes to spending time with the opposite sex. I just never managed to be myself completely around boys.
I am always and I mean always projecting different scenarios in my head about situations that stress me out. I guess I just like to be prepared.
The bad thing is this so called preparedness for bad outcomes doesn’t do its job. I get even more stressed and nervous about what is going to happen. Like it’s the end of the World.
The worst thing is that I tend to project happy scenarios in my head, because I am an optimist like that, which 99,9 % of the time fail spectacularly. The most ironic thing is happy scenarios doesn’t make me happy, they make me even more anxious.
I question myself: “Am I afraid of happiness?”
In those moments my heart beats so fast that sometimes I think I am going to faint and embarrass myself.
And it’s so ridiculous to stress about stupid things like talking to someone you like or in some cases about actual nothing.
Yes, I literally stress about nothing! There is nothing bad happening, my day goes great/normal, but I have this feeling, call it paranoia if you like, that something bad/unpleasant is going to happen to me in that particular day or in near future (the same week).
The craziest thing is most of the times it does happen.
Which makes me think “OMG, I am a medium!”.
When I should be thinking: “What the hell? I am stressing about stress that haven’t happened yet? What?”
This is so ridiculous that I want to punch myself in the face!
I have to enjoy life – good or bad! I should enjoy the moment the way it is!
Sometimes we can fix things and sometimes we can’t.
And that is perfectly normal, I am not the all-seeing eye. I can’t predict everything, even though I will probably not stop trying.
But having all these thoughts confuses me so much that I wish I am not ME for a while. I want to be someone else, someone that doesn’t care, someone who can say “Fuck it! I will get through this! It’s not such a big deal!”
Although, I suppose caring is what makes me “ME”.
Yes, I will blush if you approach me. I will feel awkward and will probably don’t know what to say, I will repeat every word, line you’ve said to me in my mind. Analyzing, processing every gesture, every look you gave me.
Overthinking, feeling, analyzing – a full package of mental disorders.
Tell me about your soul dissection 🙂
Let me know what you think in the comment section.
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